This might be TMI… but I am sick of meeting men on nights out that don’t condition their beard.
I like to go for a dance, that’s not a crime, and neither is spotting a nice looking lad across the floor and plotting to get at least a peck by the end of the night. I’m young, okay! All of my friend do it, or at least did before they met the one. If you can like someone after seeing them stumbling across a sticky bar sloshing around a half downed VK, vomiting on their way to the bathroom, finishing their drink, shrugging and dancing back into the thick of it, you’re going to be right as rain sober. And yes, that did happen to a friend. They’re still together… But she’s put a cap on his frivolities after that vomit happened on her favourite pink shaggy rug. Don’t think about how long that would take to clean up at 2am when you’re tired and grumpy too much, it’s not a wholesome thought.
After witnessing that, and seeing her kiss him with a bit of sick on his shirt, I always find my target at the start of the night and watch them like a hawk. Some say it’s creepy, but I’m just protecting myself. I also like to move quickly, I don’t have entire days to groan hungover and prefer to be in bed by at least midnight. Get in around ten, spot your man, tailor your meeting so he’ll buy me a drink, dance, pash, home. Easy.
Except I’ve found that recently, too many men think they can grow a beard but clearly don’t invest anything into it. Scratchy! Itchy! Rubs my chin raw! And don’t even get me started on the little scratches that end up inside my nose. How?? But this story does have a direction. A few weeks ago I spotted my man and executed my plan without a single flaw. He was all over me, if I’m honest. Didn’t even skimp on my drink. But he did have one of the most uncomfortable facial hair situations I’ve ever come across. Looked like a god, so whilst I was under the influence it was an easy choice. But the next morning it was a problem.
It wouldn’t have been a problem if I didn’t find him an actually genuinely amazing guy. He made me waffles for breakfast and asked If I wanted to go for a nice walk to his favourite coffee shop. I fell hard, fast. I’m still with him, and I seriously think this is a soulmate situation. Imagine that- from a kiss con at a club!
So I had to make sure he was perfect in every way. The beard either had to go, or had to get soft. He was fussy, almost everything I showed him he turned his nose up at. No, don’t like that scent, no that looks too thick and greasy. Please don’t buy that, I won’t use it. Until, in my desperation to no longer have a bight red patch all around my mouth, I found this premium beard kit. I didn’t get an enthusiastic yes, but I did get a shrug and ‘okay’. Okay! Praise the lord he said okay! I’d bought it before he had time to take another breath.
It was a serious game changer. His beard is SOFT and my god is the smell intoxicating. I’m obsessed. We’re waiting for another, larger order to arrive to completely Percy Nobleman-ise his grooming routine. He actually looks a bit like the comic character (yes, we also bought the comic). If I thought he could be the one before, I’m certain now!